Soso Answers: Friends Going First, Leaky Period Pants and Doctor Visits (September 23 to 30)

This week's questions had a theme running underneath them: getting practical about your own body. You asked about the toilet, about leaks, about what things look like down there, and about what happens at the doctor. You also asked about a feeling that is hard to put into words, when a friend who seems just like you gets her period first. We picked the five questions that came up most, or that mattered most, and dug into the research for each one.

Q1. My friend got her period before me and I felt upset. Is that weird, and how do I talk to her about it?

Several of you told Soso about this one. A close friend, or a cousin, shared that her period had started, and instead of feeling happy for her you felt a lump in your throat. Some of you said you and your friend look almost the same, so it did not make sense. Others said you want your period and also do not want it, both at once.

None of that is weird. Let's look at why it happens and what to do with it.

What is going on

When someone who feels like your "twin" changes first, it can feel like you have been left behind, even though nothing is actually a race. Your brain is great at comparing, and friends are the people you compare yourself with most. So the feeling may not really be about the period itself. It is about wanting to stay close, wanting to be in the same place as your friend, and not knowing what your own body is planning.

Wanting your period and dreading it at the same time is also really common. Your friends might say it is annoying, and you still want to be "in the club". Both feelings can be true.

What the research actually says

Research mostly looks at when periods start and how girls feel about periods in general, rather than at this exact moment with a friend. Here is what it does tell us:

• Bodies really do run on different timetables. The NHS says most girls start their periods at about 12, but anywhere from about 8 to 17 is usual, and that a first period typically comes about 2 years after breasts start growing. "Typically" is doing a lot of work there: two friends whose bodies look alike on the outside can still be months apart on the inside.
• Hard feelings are common, even when you have been told what to expect. A 2025 survey of girls in China looked at the 1,452 who had already had a period. 64% had been told about periods beforehand, and 57.4% reported some negative feelings about their first period or periods in general. The study did not test whether being told changed those feelings, but it shows that hard feelings are common either way.
• Talking beforehand goes with feeling ready. In a study of 405 girls in Mexico, those who had talked about the emotional side of periods with their mothers before it happened were more likely to say they felt prepared.

What to do about it

1. Name the feeling to yourself. Try saying, in your head or in a journal: "I feel left out, and I also feel happy for her." Putting it into words can help you understand what you are feeling, and it makes it easier to explain to someone later.
2. Let yourself be sad for a bit, privately. Some of you waited until you got home to cry. That is a healthy choice, not a silly one.
3. Keep your friendship at the centre. Your friend is probably dealing with her own nerves. She might love to be asked.
4. Use a conversation starter. Here are a few that do not feel weird:

- "Hey, how are you feeling about your period? I'm kind of curious what it's like." - "Can I ask you something about it? You can say no." - "Honestly, I felt a bit jealous when you told me, which is silly, because I'm happy for you." - "If mine starts at school, can I come find you?"

1. Make a plan together. Friends who are further along can be great "period buddies". Agree on a signal if one of you needs a pad or a sweater to tie around your waist.
2. Talk to a grown-up you trust. Tell them how you felt. They were once in exactly this spot.

A worked example

On Monday, Bia's best friend tells her at lunch that her period started. Bia smiles, then feels her eyes sting on the bus home. That night she writes in her notes: "I'm not mad at her. I just thought we'd do this together." On Wednesday she asks her friend, "What did it feel like the first day?" Her friend laughs and says she was terrified and did not tell anyone but her mum. By Friday they have a plan: Bia keeps a spare pad in her pencil case "just in case", and they both feel closer than before.

When it is more than a passing feeling

If the jealousy or sadness sticks around for weeks, spoils things you used to enjoy, or the feelings get so big that they scare you, tell a trusted adult. And if you are 15 with no period yet, it has been 3 years since your breasts started growing, or you are 13 and your breasts have not started growing at all, ask a grown-up to book an easy check with a doctor. That is not a sign something is wrong: it is just the point where a doctor takes a look.

Q2. Do I have to change my pad every time I use the toilet, and what if I pee on it a little?

This was a whole cluster of bathroom questions: whether a pad needs changing every single time you use the toilet, what happens if a little pee lands on it, and how pooping works on your period at all.

What is going on

Your vulva has three openings, and they are separate. Pee comes out of the urethra, a tiny hole near the front. Period blood comes out of the vaginal opening, just behind it. Poop comes out of the anus, further back. So when you pee, you are not "emptying" your period, and blood does not come out of the same hole.

That also explains the little bit of pee on the pad. When you sit with your legs close together, some pee can collect in the folds of skin, or even run a little way back into the vagina, and then trickle out when you stand up. Doctors call this vaginal reflux. It is a common reason for a little wetness after peeing, and changing how you sit on the toilet can help.

What the research actually says

• How often to change: KidsHealth, the children's health site from Nemours, says most people need to change their pad, tampon or menstrual cup about 3 to 6 times a day. So how often you change depends on your pad, not on how often you use the toilet.
• Wiping: The NHS advises wiping from front to back when you go to the toilet, which keeps bacteria from the bottom area away from the other openings.
• Dribbles after peeing: A Cambridge University Hospitals NHS leaflet on vaginal reflux recommends sitting with your knees wide apart, and says that sitting backwards on the toilet, facing the tank, can help the area drain. It also suggests rocking backwards and forwards after peeing, and standing up, counting slowly to ten, then trying to pee again.

What to do about it

1. You do not need a fresh pad every visit. Check it each time. Change it if it is heavy, damp, uncomfortable, or smelly, and most people end up changing about 3 to 6 times a day.
2. A few drops of pee on a pad are fine. If it feels wet or cold, change it.
3. Sit all the way down with your knees wide apart. When you finish, rock gently backwards and forwards. If you still get dribbles, try sitting backwards on the toilet facing the tank, or stand up, count slowly to ten, and then sit and try to pee again.
4. Pooping on your period: sit as normal. If your pad is in your underwear, gently pull your underwear down to your knees so the pad stays clean. Some girls hold a folded piece of toilet paper against the vaginal opening while they push, which is completely fine.
5. Wipe front to back, one wipe at a time. Use a fresh piece of paper for each wipe.
6. Wash your hands after changing a pad, and wrap the used one in its wrapper or toilet paper before it goes in the bin.

A worked example

It is the second day of Julia's period and she has four lessons before lunch. At break she uses the toilet, looks at her pad, and sees it is only lightly marked, so she keeps it. She notices a small damp patch from pee, which feels cold, so she swaps it anyway. At lunch the pad is fine. After PE she changes again because it feels heavier. That is three changes by the end of school, and one more at bedtime.

When it is more than a bathroom question

Tell a grown-up the same day, so they can get you seen by a doctor soon, if it burns or stings when you pee, you need to pee much more often than usual, your pee looks cloudy or smells strong, or your underwear is wet with pee often during the day. Tell a grown-up straight away if you also have a fever or feel shivery, pain low in your tummy or in your back just under your ribs, or blood in your pee when you are not on your period.

Q3. Why does my period underwear leak when I sit or lie down, and can I wear a night pad during the day?

A few of you who use period underwear noticed blood ending up in places it should not, especially when sitting or lying down. Others wondered whether the long overnight pads are allowed in daytime.

What is going on

Period underwear has an absorbent panel in the gusset, the part between your legs. When you stand, blood flows straight down into it. When you lie on your back, gravity sends it backwards, towards your bottom, where the panel may be thinner or may end. When you sit, your weight squashes the fabric, which can squeeze out blood it had been holding. So the leak is often about position and pressure, not about you doing something wrong.

Overnight pads are simply longer, wider pads with more padding at the back. That extra length exists precisely because of the "lying down" problem.

What the research actually says

• A 2024 lab study by DeLoughery and colleagues in BMJ Sexual and Reproductive Health poured blood cells onto 21 period products until each was full. The three pairs of period underwear tested held the least, about 2 millilitres on average, and bigger sizes did not hold more. Heavy and ultra pads, tampons and cups held roughly 20 to 50 millilitres.
• The authors are careful about the limits. This was a lab test, one trial per product, using stored blood cells rather than real period blood, and they say products bent and squashed during real wear probably hold even less. They also found that most products claimed more capacity than the test showed.
• KidsHealth says to change period underwear every 8 to 12 hours or as needed, then rinse it in cold water and follow the label for washing.

So period underwear is a comfortable option, and the NHS says it is suitable if you have just started your periods. It just may not hold very much on its own on a heavier day.

What to do about it

1. Use period underwear for lighter days, or as backup. On heavier days, pair it with a pad, or use a pad instead.
2. Check where the panel ends. For sleep, choose a style marked "overnight", where the absorbent part runs further up the back, and on heavier nights wear a pad with it too.
3. Change it sooner when sitting a lot. Long car trips, cinema and exams all mean sitting, so plan a change before and after.
4. Yes, you can wear a night pad during the day. There is nothing wrong with it. It might feel bulkier in tight clothes, but it is great for heavy days or long stretches without a toilet.
5. At night, try lying on your side with your knees slightly bent, and put an old dark towel under you until you know your flow.
6. Rinse stains with cold water, never hot, and keep them out of the dryer until the stain has gone. Heat makes blood much harder to get out.

A worked example

Luísa uses period underwear every day. On day two, a long film at a friend's house ends with a mark on the sofa cushion. Next cycle she tries something new: on days one and two she wears a regular pad with her period underwear as backup, and a night pad at bedtime with a towel under her. On days four and five, the lighter ones, the underwear on its own is plenty. No more surprises.

When it is more than a leak

Because period underwear holds so little, a leak through it does not tell you much about how heavy your period is. To get a better idea, use a pad for a day and notice how often it fills. Tell a grown-up and see a doctor if you are changing a pad or tampon every 1 to 2 hours, your period lasts more than 7 days, you pass clots larger than about 2.5 cm, you bleed through to clothes or bedding, you avoid daily activities because of your period, or you often feel tired or short of breath. Very heavy bleeding right from the first period is worth mentioning even when everything else seems fine, because it can be an early sign of a bleeding problem that runs in families.

Q4. Is it okay to look at my vulva with a mirror?

One of you shared that you looked at your vulva in the shower with a mirror, and wondered whether that was okay. Several others asked questions that showed you were not sure what is where down there.

Yes, it is okay. It is actually a good idea.

What is going on

The vulva is the outside part you can see. The vagina is the inside part, a stretchy tube that leads up to the cervix. Here is the map, from front to back:

• Mons: the soft, rounded area at the front where pubic hair grows.
• Outer labia: the outer lips, which grow hair during puberty.
• Inner labia: the inner lips, with no hair.
• Clitoris: a small, very sensitive bump at the top where the inner lips meet.
• Urethral opening: a tiny hole where pee comes out.
• Vaginal opening: below the urethra. Period blood and discharge come out here.
• Anus: further back, where poop comes out.

What the research actually says

• An NHS young people's health site, West Yorkshire Healthier Together, suggests using a small mirror to look at your vulva and find each part. It says getting to know your vulva helps you know what is normal for you, so you can spot a problem such as a rash or a lump.
• Every vulva looks different. A 2005 study by Lloyd and colleagues in the journal BJOG measured the genitals of 50 adult women and found a wide range for everything. Inner lips ranged from 20 to 100 millimetres long and 7 to 50 millimetres wide, and in 41 of the 50 women the skin was darker than the surrounding skin. The authors' conclusion was simply that women vary widely. These were adults, not girls, but the message fits: there is no single "normal" look.
• The same NHS page says it plainly: some inner lips are bigger than others, some are symmetrical and some are not, and all labia are different.

What to do about it

1. Pick a private, comfortable moment. After a shower, sitting on your bed with a hand mirror works well.
2. Use the map above and find each part. Say the real names in your head. It makes it easier to explain things to a doctor later.
3. Notice your normal: your colour, your shape, the way one side may be different from the other. It is all fine.
4. Keep washing simple. Gently wash the outside with warm water, and a mild, unperfumed soap if you like. Never wash inside the vagina, and skip scented wipes and sprays.
5. Curious about tampons? Knowing where the vaginal opening is will help later if you ever choose to try them. Our beginner's guide to tampons walks through it step by step, and pads are always a perfectly good choice.

A worked example

Mari has been confused about what is where since a health class. One Saturday after her shower she takes a hand mirror and the list above. She finds the urethra and realises it is not the same place her period will come from, which suddenly makes the whole "how do pads work" thing make sense. She notices her inner lips are uneven, remembers that is common, and moves on with her day.

When to get something checked

Getting to know your vulva is how you notice changes. Tell a grown-up and see a doctor if your discharge changes colour, smell or texture, if there is more of it than usual, if there is itching or soreness, if there is bleeding between periods or after sex, if it hurts to pee, or if you have pain in the area between your tummy and your thighs. Also tell a grown-up about any new lump, sore or rash.

Q5. If something is wrong, will a doctor look at my private parts?

This question is short, but it carries a lot of worry. Here is what actually happens, so there are no surprises.

What is going on

Most visits about periods are mostly talking. A doctor will ask when your periods started, how long they last, how heavy they are, and whether they hurt. That is why tracking helps so much: you can just show your notes. The doctor may check your height, weight and blood pressure, and may gently press on your tummy. They should tell you before they do.

Sometimes, if there is a reason, the doctor might want to look at the outside of your vulva for a moment. An internal exam, where a doctor looks or feels inside the vagina, is rarely needed at your age.

What the research actually says

• The Merck Manual, a medical reference used by doctors, says pelvic exams in people under 21 are done only when there is a medical reason, such as symptoms. It also says that explaining things beforehand, building trust and talking during and after the exam are crucial.
• KidsHealth says most girls do not need pelvic exams until they are 21, unless there is a problem. At a checkup, the doctor may take a quick look at the outside to be sure everything is okay. KidsHealth also says a parent can stay in the room with you if you want, and that if at any time you want the exam to stop, you can just say so.

What to do about it

1. Bring your tracking. Your period dates, flow and pain notes answer most of the doctor's questions without any exam.
2. Ask before anything happens. Try: "Can you tell me what you are going to do and why, before you do it?"
3. Choose who is in the room. You can ask for your mum, dad, or another trusted adult to stay, or for a nurse to be there too.
4. Know you can say stop. Try: "I need a minute" or "Please stop." A good doctor will listen.
5. Ask for a mirror or a diagram if you want to understand what the doctor is seeing.
6. Write your questions down first. It is easy to forget them once you are in the room.

A worked example

Clara's periods have lasted more than a week twice in a row, so her dad books an appointment. She brings her app history. The doctor asks questions for about ten minutes, presses gently on her tummy, and orders a simple blood test. There is no exam of her private parts at all. When Clara asks, "Would you ever need to look down there?", the doctor explains when that might happen and says she could have her dad or a nurse with her, and could stop at any time.

A body safety rule that is always true

Your private parts are private. Sometimes a doctor, a nurse, or a parent helping with a health problem might need to look. They should always explain why and ask if it is okay first, and you can have a trusted adult with you. Nobody else, of any age, should ask to look at or touch your private parts, or ask you to look at or touch theirs. If anyone does, or if anything at a doctor's visit felt wrong or confusing, tell a trusted adult. You will not be in trouble.

The bottom line

The pattern this week was you getting to know your own body on your own terms: how it works on the toilet, how it behaves in period underwear, what it looks like, and who gets to check it. Here is what to keep:

• Friends start at different times. Feeling left out when one goes first is normal, and talking to her can bring you closer.
• You do not need a new pad every time you pee. Change it when it is full, damp or uncomfortable, about 3 to 6 times a day.
• Period underwear holds much less than a pad, so pair it with one on heavy days and on heavier nights.
• Looking at your vulva with a mirror is a healthy way to learn your normal. Every vulva looks different.
• Most doctor visits about periods are talking. Internal exams are rarely needed at your age, and you can always ask questions, bring an adult, and say stop.

Your next step: start logging your flow, your products and any leaks in the Soso app this cycle. It gives you something to show a grown-up or a doctor, and it helps you spot what your body is doing.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can I get my period while I am on the toilet?

Yes, a period can start at any time, including on the toilet. You might just notice some pink or brown on the paper when you wipe. Put on a pad and carry on with your day.

Does peeing make my period stop for a moment?

No. Pee and period blood come out of different openings. Blood can collect in the vagina while you are lying down, so you may notice more when you stand up, which is normal.

Can I sleep in period underwear on its own?

It can work on light nights. On heavier nights, choose an overnight style or wear a pad as well, and put a dark towel under you until you know your flow.

Is it normal for one side of my labia to be bigger?

Yes. Labia come in lots of shapes and sizes, and many are not symmetrical. If one side is sore, swollen or changing quickly, show a grown-up.

Will the doctor tell my parents what I say?

Rules differ between countries and depend on your age. It is okay to ask the doctor at the start: "What stays between us, and what would you need to share?"

Should I stop being friends with someone who teases me about periods?

You do not have to decide right away. Tell them calmly that it is not okay, and tell a trusted adult or teacher if it keeps happening. Real friends stop when they see it hurts.

What should I say if my friend asks me about my period and I do not have it yet?

Just be honest: "Not yet!" Lots of girls are in the same place. You can still share tips, ask questions and help each other.

Where this comes from

Here are the sources behind the facts in this post.

• Lloyd J, Crouch NS, Minto CL, Liao LM & Creighton SM, "Female genital appearance: 'normality' unfolds," BJOG: an International Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, 2005. Measured 50 adult women and found a wide range of sizes, shapes and colours in every part of the vulva.
• DeLoughery E, Colwill AC, Edelman A & Samuelson Bannow B, "Red blood cell capacity of modern menstrual products: considerations for assessing heavy menstrual bleeding," BMJ Sexual and Reproductive Health, 2024. A lab test that found period underwear held about 2 millilitres, much less than pads, tampons or cups.
• Gao Y, Wang J, He M, Jiang R, Du Y & Chen Q, "Menarche education and emotional preparedness: A cross-sectional survey study of Chinese adolescent girls," Heliyon, 2025. Among 1,452 girls who had already had a period, 64% had been told about periods beforehand and 57.4% reported some negative feelings about periods; the study did not test whether being told changed those feelings.
• Marván ML & Molina-Abolnik M, "Mexican Adolescents' Experience of Menarche and Attitudes Toward Menstruation: Role of Communication Between Mothers and Daughters," Journal of Pediatric and Adolescent Gynecology, 2012. Found girls who talked about the emotional side with their mothers beforehand felt more prepared.
• Nawaz G, Rogol AD & Jenkins SM, "Amenorrhea," StatPearls, 2024. Describes when doctors check on a first period that has not arrived.
• Kesavan S, "Gynecologic Evaluation in Children and Adolescents," Merck Manual Professional Version, reviewed July 2026. Pelvic exams under 21 are done only when there is a medical reason.
• Nemours KidsHealth, "Gyn Checkups (for Teens)," "All About Periods (Menstruation) (for Teens)" and "The Female Reproductive System (for Teens)." What happens at a checkup, how often to change period products, and the parts of the vulva.
• NHS, "Starting your periods," "Heavy periods," "Vaginal discharge" and "Urinary tract infections (UTIs)." Typical ages, heavy bleeding signs, discharge warning signs, and wiping front to back.
• West Yorkshire Healthier Together (NHS), "My vulva & vagina." Suggests using a mirror to learn your parts, and says all labia are different.
• Cambridge University Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust, "Vaginal reflux in children," 2023. Explains dribbling after peeing and how sitting with knees apart helps.
• Center for Young Women's Health, Boston Children's Hospital, "Ask Us" answer on a gush of blood when standing up. Explains that blood can pool in the vagina while you lie flat and come out when you stand.
• Durant E, "Protein Stains & Blood Treatment," Colorado State University Extension, 2020. Cold water, not hot, for blood, because heat makes the stain much harder to remove.

This post is for learning and does not replace a doctor. If something about your body worries you, talk to a trusted adult and get it checked.